The Olive Press

I feel compelled to share this today. I have a dear friend who recently spent several weeks walking the Camino to Santiago pilgrimage. Before her departure I had expressed that I was struggling with some issues of faith. When she returned and asked after my welfare, I sent her the following. It is intimidating to share this on a public forum, as it describes exquisite experiences; exquisitely painful as well as exquisitely sublime. I pray that this may be an answer to prayer, and that readers and commenters will treat me tenderly as I share my wounded heart.

***

While you were on a long physical and spiritual journey I was also on one.

I am still tender and raw from the deep pain I and others feel about disenfranchisement of certain groups in society and the church, but God spoke to me with brilliant clarity, reminding me of His mission for me. I plead for His help to be an activist within the church through preaching His doctrine that as God is no respecter of persons, we must tearfully, prayerfully strive to be so as well. That we must have the humility and courage to invite all to the feast of the Bridegroom, without concern for our own privileges.

I became aware that to truly become as Christ is requires my willingness to deeply and painfully mourn with those who mourn throughout my entire life. When I prayed, “Lord, it hurts so much to watch others suffer; I don’t know if I can continue to do it my whole life” He said to me, simply, “I did.”

And so I stay not only in the Body of Christ (which I am certain includes ALL those who have been baptized in His name) but also as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am bound to the Godhead by His goodness. I am also bound to the Church through a lifetime of love, beauty and grace I have received through its members, its administration and its scriptures while recognizing how I have been wounded by them.

Nevertheless, I persist.

Be Still, My Soul

This is the text of my sacrament talk from today.  The program was referred to as Songs of the Restoration.  It was unusual, with 6 different speakers each giving a short talk on a specific hymn of their choice which was then sung by the congregation.  It was powerful and sacred and I am blessed to have been able to participate.  Here is the text of my talk.  

Be Still, My Soul – July 22, 2018 Sacrament Meeting: Songs of the Restoration

Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God.”

Hymns are sung from a specific point of view.  Some are group expressions of praise; some are the prayer of an individual.  Of our over 300 hymns two are in the voice of God directly counseling us; #120 - Lean On My Ample Arm, and today’s sacrament hymn, #185 - Reverently And Meekly Now.  

Be Still, My Soul is unique; it is the meditation of an individual remembering the tender mercies of the Lord.

Moroni tells us in the closing chapter of the Book of Mormon: “Behold, I would exhort you…that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.” (Moroni 10:3)

Nephi says “my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.” (2 Nephi 4:16)

When I pray God often sends a song to my mind as an answer.  My prayers of discouragement or pain are often answered with Be Still, My Soul.

From Isaiah 40:31 “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

From 2 Chronicles 32: 7-8 “Be strong and courageous, be not afraid nor dismayed for [the enemy] nor for all the multitude that is with him: for there be more with us than with him: With him is an arm of flesh; but with us is the Lord our God to help us, and to fight our battles.”

From Doctrine and Covenants 101:32, 36 and 58:4 “…in that day when the Lord shall come, He shall reveal all things…Wherefore, fear not even unto death; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full.” “For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet but is nigh at hand.”

From The Revelation of Saint John 21:3-4 “…the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.  And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”

I will end with some remarks from my journal.  “I thank Thee so much for speaking comfort to my heart when I prayed in discouragement.  I love how you send songs to my mind to fill my soul with peace.  I thank Thee for this song.”

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.  

Be Still, My Soul

Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain

Leave to thy God to order and provide

In ev’ry change He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav’nly friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as He has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hast’ning on

When we shall be forever with the Lord,

When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

*The other hymns shared and sung in the meeting were:

#30 – Come, Come, Ye Saints

#338 – America the Beautiful

#249 – Called to Serve

#86 – How Great Thou Art

#85 – How Firm A Foundation

Nevertheless: Faith, Fear and Doubt

*I started this post early last year.  I haven’t ever really taken the time to finish it - but recently a friend of mine asked me about it.  I decided it was time to get it out there, even though it’s incomplete. I’ll post a continuation soon. *

2 Nephi 4: 16-19

"Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.

Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted."

I've spent a lot of time lately pondering faith, doubt, and fear.

I've had some incredibly difficult, scary experiences, in which my absolute lack of power and control were made blatantly clear.  During these times I developed an increased reliance on the Lord and a bright testimony of his absolute power.  Through this reliance and testimony my trust in the Lord grew, and I came to have peace.


Yet for much of this journey, I was fearful.

I pondered the oft heard phrase "faith and fear cannot coexist."
In the March 2009 Ensign President Monson said "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. If our desire is to discard all doubt and to substitute therefor an abiding faith, we have but to accept the invitation extended to you and to me in the Epistle of James: “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.“But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.” This promise motivated the young man Joseph Smith to seek God in prayer. "

President Monson then quotes from Joseph Smith History, starting with verse 13, "At length..."  This tiny phrase caught my attention.  Joseph Smith's determination to pray out loud was a decision that took some time.  I wondered what else in his account might resonate with my personal experiences with faith, fear and doubt.

Joseph's description of his experiences leading up to his first vision teach me much about faith and fear, how they interact, and how that informs our actions as disciples.  In Joseph Smith History he states "During this time of great excitement my mind was called up to serious reflection AND GREAT UNEASINESS" (v8).  He also uses the phrases "extreme difficulties caused by the contests of these parties of religionists (v11)" and "amidst all my anxieties (v14)."

He's feeling greatly uneasy and confused.  He describes how his desire was do know what to do (v10).  This is key-he wants to know what actions to take to follow his values (desires of his heart).    He describes how after he read James 1:5 he "reflected on it again and again (v12)."  He obviously took some time to decide upon a course of action, i.e. exactly how to obey the scripture, as is evidenced by the phrase at the beginning of v 13, "At length..."

Summary of his experience so far: he believes in God and Christianity (as evidenced by reading the bible and attending meetings when possible).  He desires to do right, but is greatly uneasy and feels it's difficult.  He continues to act in the truth he knows (reading the Bible).  He ponders its words for a time, and determines how to proceed next.

His description of his experience upon praying is powerful.  "...I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God.  I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak.  Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.  v16 But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction-not to an imaginary ruin,  but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being - just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me."

His description of seeming to be doomed to sudden destruction, and being entirely overcome, could be reasonably described as fear.  The key to understanding his experience is in the first word of verse 16 - but.  He was overcome, overwhelmed, in darkness, facing destruction, BUT he turned to God.  This story mirrors many, many elements of Moses' experience given in Moses 1.