The wasteland and the Feast

I was reading the book Grace Works by Robert L. Millett today and the Lord blessed me with an amazing revelation and understanding.  In explaining this I'm going to try to walk through the process that got me there.

Brother Millett explains atonement by going back to the original language "In Hebrew the word translated into English as atone means "to cover."  Jesus atones for our sins in that he forgives them and thereby covers them, as a cloth might cover a table.  Through the blood of Christ, our stains are removed, erased, blotted out of the memory of the Omniscient One (D&C 58:42).  In addition, the Savior covers our sins in the sense that he pays the price, much as we might say to a friend at a restaurant, "I'll cover it.""

He later goes on to quote from 2 Nephi 9:50-51: "Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and without price.  Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy.  Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness."  (Italics and bolding mine).

And this is when I saw it.  I have been as a woman who, invited to the feast of a dear friend, resolves to find all the food I possibly can in the wasteland before I show up to the feast, and it is only after my most diligent efforts to fill myself fail that I knock at the door of the feast in shame, remaining hesitant in the doorway, accepting only a few scraps from the table.

NO MORE.  

I will GLADLY accept the invitation of Christ and FEAST with him.  I WILL DELIGHT IN FATNESS!  I have been trying desperately to "deserve redemption" through works, which in a way makes sense because I'm a really, really good worker, and my primary love language is acts of service.  It is not that I do not appreciate the gift of the Savior, the unspeakably miraculous atonement, but rather that because I love him I want to serve him.  And it isn't that I have ignored the counsel of Nephi to "[Feast] upon the words of Christ" (2 Nephi 31:20).  I do feast upon the words of Christ, some days partaking of great banquets, and other days grazing liberally throughout the day when I don't have time for a sit-down dinner, so to speak.

But I have been fasting from Grace.  The Bible Dictionary (in the LDS King James Version of the Bible) states this about Grace "The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ.  It is through the grace of the Lord Jesus, made possible by His atoning sacrifice, that mankind will be raised in immortality, every person receiving his body from the grave in a condition of everlasting life.  It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means."  It is this enabling power, this gift of divine strength, wisdom, support, revelation, and love, of which I have been starving myself.  And now that I have started to partake of grace, pray for grace, glory in grace, my life has become rich and happy in a way that I realize I can only maintain through constant reliance on Him and grateful, humble requests for His power to do His work.

Delight in fatness, brothers and sisters.  As for me and my house, we will come and feast and drink and rejoice in and with Him every day, and glory in it.