*I started this post early last year. I haven’t ever really taken the time to finish it - but recently a friend of mine asked me about it. I decided it was time to get it out there, even though it’s incomplete. I’ll post a continuation soon. *
2 Nephi 4: 16-19
"Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.
Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.
I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.
And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted."
I've spent a lot of time lately pondering faith, doubt, and fear.
I've had some incredibly difficult, scary experiences, in which my absolute lack of power and control were made blatantly clear. During these times I developed an increased reliance on the Lord and a bright testimony of his absolute power. Through this reliance and testimony my trust in the Lord grew, and I came to have peace.
Yet for much of this journey, I was fearful.
I pondered the oft heard phrase "faith and fear cannot coexist."
In the March 2009 Ensign President Monson said "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. If our desire is to discard all doubt and to substitute therefor an abiding faith, we have but to accept the invitation extended to you and to me in the Epistle of James: “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.“But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.” This promise motivated the young man Joseph Smith to seek God in prayer. "
President Monson then quotes from Joseph Smith History, starting with verse 13, "At length..." This tiny phrase caught my attention. Joseph Smith's determination to pray out loud was a decision that took some time. I wondered what else in his account might resonate with my personal experiences with faith, fear and doubt.
Joseph's description of his experiences leading up to his first vision teach me much about faith and fear, how they interact, and how that informs our actions as disciples. In Joseph Smith History he states "During this time of great excitement my mind was called up to serious reflection AND GREAT UNEASINESS" (v8). He also uses the phrases "extreme difficulties caused by the contests of these parties of religionists (v11)" and "amidst all my anxieties (v14)."
He's feeling greatly uneasy and confused. He describes how his desire was do know what to do (v10). This is key-he wants to know what actions to take to follow his values (desires of his heart). He describes how after he read James 1:5 he "reflected on it again and again (v12)." He obviously took some time to decide upon a course of action, i.e. exactly how to obey the scripture, as is evidenced by the phrase at the beginning of v 13, "At length..."
Summary of his experience so far: he believes in God and Christianity (as evidenced by reading the bible and attending meetings when possible). He desires to do right, but is greatly uneasy and feels it's difficult. He continues to act in the truth he knows (reading the Bible). He ponders its words for a time, and determines how to proceed next.
His description of his experience upon praying is powerful. "...I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction. v16 But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction-not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being - just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me."
His description of seeming to be doomed to sudden destruction, and being entirely overcome, could be reasonably described as fear. The key to understanding his experience is in the first word of verse 16 - but. He was overcome, overwhelmed, in darkness, facing destruction, BUT he turned to God. This story mirrors many, many elements of Moses' experience given in Moses 1.
